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I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

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Ben [Jun. 5th, 2010|08:37 am]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
Happy Birthday voktoth 
You would have been 24 today.
I can't help wondering if I would have been with you on this day, in a parrallel universe.
I still miss you.
And if I could take back so many of things that transpired...I would.

Love Jen
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(no subject) [Feb. 4th, 2010|01:54 pm]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I think too much.
When i enjoy something I long for it, and wish i was back there.
When i'm there, i hate it.
And think too much.

I think this is why i love pot.

Pot has this beautiful way of making the edges of reality fuzzy. It has a way of making the most painful things seem like grains of sand, just fading away through that proverbial hour glass somewhere between the frontal lobe and the temporal lobe.

I think this is why I've decided to quit.

I seem to have this infuriating need to go along quietly. Pot helps me do this. I think if i stop smoking full-time, I will see a bit of what i truly feel. And be able to go from there.

Maybe.

Or maybe I'll just start drinking instead.
Alcohol = calories but no munchies.
Pot= munchies but no calories.

Abstinence...?
Means in-fucking-sanity.
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2009|11:24 am]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I need to start making changes and listening to that which the mystical undertow is telling me.
I need to pluck up the courage to face things.

Sounds so simple.
And i'm fucking terrified.

Procrastination is not a progressive thing.
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spring has sprung! [Sep. 10th, 2009|01:07 pm]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
Well life is plodding on as usual and I am most decidedly VERY fucking glad to see the end of winter 08. I feel as if I been in a deep depressive sleep and September first brought the first breath of fresh air into my house, my head and my spirit.
Work is still a joke, albeit now it's a funny one instead of just a tradgedy. I'm learning to be more light-hearted about things, instead of all the doom-and-gloom that usually accompanies me. I'm listening more and talking/forcing less, (esp when it comes to my own body!).
I've found therepy in painting again, and in not thinking and worrying about money. Blind ignornace appears to be the key when it comes to a partner who spends money like there's no tomorrow, if retail therepy is her happiness who am I to take that away? I only wish spending money made me so happy.

I hope everyone on my Friends list is happy, and enjoying the sunshine :-)
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(no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2009|12:56 pm]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I've been running every day for over a week and mentally I feel like a new person. If i'd known that aleviating depression was this simple I never would have stopped exercising!
But I've since been hit with the flu of all time, and I'm sick as a dog and can't keep anything down due to an apparent alergic reaction to the Amoxil anti-biotics I was perscribed. Blah!
Anyway, just saying hello and letting y'all know i'm still here xo
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12 dollars an hour... [Jan. 15th, 2009|11:03 am]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I'm exhausted today. In every possible way, and all I want is to eat enormous amounts of food and lounge around in bed.
Ms Hell-bitch a.k.a Visual Merchandiser is coming in today to order me around and tell me where to put insanely heavy Maniquins only to decide they don't look "quite right" and tell me to move them again.
All this has to be done of course whilst wearing heels, a skirt and makeup. God forbid I look like shit whilst feeling like it.

Yes, she is greek. And blonde, and loud and bossy and plays zorba music at 5000 decibles, whilst talking to her friend Effie on her mobile almost as loudly.
On Saturday no less than 45 mins before my shift ended (and i'd been up for 36 hours) she came waltzing in without any notice and decided "we" were going to pull the entire store apart and re vamp.
Fucking *TWITCH*
So I was sweating away in the windows battling spider webs and 18 years worth of dust while she watched.
And as per usual I smiled and did whatever she asked and hoped she would drop dead instantaneously.

I thought retail was meant to be better than hospitality and sales!

So tonight I plan to get royally fucked up with keli and do some angsty artwork in protest of the world.
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This will teach me to work near the bank of Cyprus [Jan. 11th, 2009|11:46 am]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
...So the girls who make coffee next door are greek princess' with solarium tans who work at Daddy's business a couple hours a week, make shit coffee, and mostly gossip and fight.

This morning I stumbled into the back room to smoke and put makeup on sleepy half closed eyes when I see that the back window is smashed.Well; re-smashed. We had taped it up awhile ago.
I Check the money in the "safe" (cardboard box) and all seems to be in order. Then a shoe comes flying through the hole in the window and a swearing greek man starts to swear in helf greek half english.

Seriously- are these people for real? Fucking hilarious.
I am keeping the shoe for my troubles! Maybe they will throw the other one through tomorrow morning.

I have learnt however, that If i wear knee high boots one of the greek brothers gives me free coffee refills.
Usually I wouldn't be pleased about the shallowness of males, but all's fair in love and caffine.
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(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2009|04:54 pm]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
Seriously- this heat can go back to the firey depths of hell from which it came. My work has no aircon, not even a crappy fan AND I have to have all the lights on despite my feeble greenie protests, AND I can't even have a toilet break from 10am until 6pm.

In other news, I'm officially an anti-social grandma who has been going to bed at 8pm nights. These new tricyclic anti-depressants are evil and make me like the living dead. My poor girlfriend has had to peel me off the couch a few times and shove me into bed.

I feel boring, and hot, and can't be fucked with smiling at rich greek ladies who buy 300 dollar dresses, or at the bimbos who yell because they still have their ipods in and assume they're speaking at a normal volume.

My coffee is cold and my diet coke is hot and im pissed at the world!

/rant

I'll be fine once I've been paid though, I'm sure.
I'm so shallow, money makes me happy :)
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(no subject) [Dec. 18th, 2008|09:40 pm]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I actually feel happy tonight.
Not manic. Not synthetically high. Not stoned, or drunk.

How amazing.

Sunday night I was at sarahs with a drunk sarah and keli (can i even *remember* a time when i was the only one not plastered?) And covinced that my only happiness comes in a gram bag. But now, I feel it!
*yay*!

Just had to say that :)

I think I owe this to a conversation with a friend today about unhappy things, but the knowing that people actually do consider me a good enough person to talk to. Also to my wonderful girlfriend who has seen the absoloute worst of me (a few times!) and still there she is at my door most nights, with a smile and gorgeous blue eyes.

Im warm, and fed, and not addicted, to anything or anyone.
And right now, i have the realisation that no one is stopping me from doing anything I want. I always thought i hated this kind of freedom, but i dont. Not anymore.

I can't wait for people to open the presents i bought them! I wish I had the money to give people things every day of every year.

Life is good right now. Still not predictable, or stable, or finite. But good .

Lately ive had an epiphany. That it really matters what I do *most* days. Whether that be what I eat, or how I treat people, or what I do, how much money i make, etc.
Black and white thinking and hating myself for fuckups has been dragging me down for as long as I can remember.
Now, i feel like everything will be okay, most of the time.

And really, that's all anyone can ask for.
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2008|11:42 am]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
Note to self: Have more respect for bar staff in the future and leave enormous tips on big nights.

So Thursday night I get a call from a friend who says "hey- had a thought; would you like to work the bar at Dream tomorrow evening? I know you have suitable attire"
...
Cool, yeah why not, don't have my RSA but how hard can it be?
So 8pm friday night I'm staring at 800+ people with no bar tab but full of reason to celebrate, and by 4am having choked down half a ciggarette , three vodkas and copius amounts of Red bull I finally realise both hands are bleeding from opening bottles, I have blisters on my ankles that look like i've been playing bondage games with cheap rope and I want to scream.

Never again. Unless it's for more than ten dollars an hour.

To any of you who have done bar work- you are my new heros.

But on the upside, have stayed (just) under the 500 dollar mark for christmas presents, and have wrapped everything with pretty shiny curly ribbon.
I fucking love christmas, seriously. Even pushing through the swarms of children and mothers in Chadstone shopping Centre makes me smile, and watching the centre couches strewn with the bodies of discarded boyfriends, dads, and hudsbands who couldn't keep up.

Best christmas pressie score would have to be stumbling upon a store in carlton that sold american candy imports.
Butterfingers, Peanut butter cups, Cherry 7up. half a kilo of cherry jellybeans (yes perhaps I went a tad crazy but Nay I know you understand this!)

I spend most of the year trying to avoid my family, but at christmas spending money on them, on things that i know they love just makes me all warm and fuzzy and stuffs :D
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