||[Dec. 18th, 2008|09:40 pm]
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I actually feel happy tonight.|
Not manic. Not synthetically high. Not stoned, or drunk.
Sunday night I was at sarahs with a drunk sarah and keli (can i even *remember* a time when i was the only one not plastered?) And covinced that my only happiness comes in a gram bag. But now, I feel it!
Just had to say that :)
I think I owe this to a conversation with a friend today about unhappy things, but the knowing that people actually do consider me a good enough person to talk to. Also to my wonderful girlfriend who has seen the absoloute worst of me (a few times!) and still there she is at my door most nights, with a smile and gorgeous blue eyes.
Im warm, and fed, and not addicted, to anything or anyone.
And right now, i have the realisation that no one is stopping me from doing anything I want. I always thought i hated this kind of freedom, but i dont. Not anymore.
I can't wait for people to open the presents i bought them! I wish I had the money to give people things every day of every year.
Life is good right now. Still not predictable, or stable, or finite. But good .
Lately ive had an epiphany. That it really matters what I do *most* days. Whether that be what I eat, or how I treat people, or what I do, how much money i make, etc.
Black and white thinking and hating myself for fuckups has been dragging me down for as long as I can remember.
Now, i feel like everything will be okay, most of the time.
And really, that's all anyone can ask for.