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I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
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| Ben |
[Jun. 5th, 2010|08:37 am] |
Happy Birthday ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) voktoth
You would have been 24 today.
I can't help wondering if I would have been with you on this day, in a parrallel universe.
I still miss you.
And if I could take back so many of things that transpired...I would.
Love Jen |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2010|01:54 pm] |
I think too much.
When i enjoy something I long for it, and wish i was back there.
When i'm there, i hate it.
And think too much.
I think this is why i love pot.
Pot has this beautiful way of making the edges of reality fuzzy. It has a way of making the most painful things seem like grains of sand, just fading away through that proverbial hour glass somewhere between the frontal lobe and the temporal lobe.
I think this is why I've decided to quit.
I seem to have this infuriating need to go along quietly. Pot helps me do this. I think if i stop smoking full-time, I will see a bit of what i truly feel. And be able to go from there.
Maybe.
Or maybe I'll just start drinking instead.
Alcohol = calories but no munchies.
Pot= munchies but no calories.
Abstinence...?
Means in-fucking-sanity. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|11:24 am] |
I need to start making changes and listening to that which the mystical undertow is telling me.
I need to pluck up the courage to face things.
Sounds so simple.
And i'm fucking terrified.
Procrastination is not a progressive thing. |
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| spring has sprung! |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|01:07 pm] |
Well life is plodding on as usual and I am most decidedly VERY fucking glad to see the end of winter 08. I feel as if I been in a deep depressive sleep and September first brought the first breath of fresh air into my house, my head and my spirit.
Work is still a joke, albeit now it's a funny one instead of just a tradgedy. I'm learning to be more light-hearted about things, instead of all the doom-and-gloom that usually accompanies me. I'm listening more and talking/forcing less, (esp when it comes to my own body!).
I've found therepy in painting again, and in not thinking and worrying about money. Blind ignornace appears to be the key when it comes to a partner who spends money like there's no tomorrow, if retail therepy is her happiness who am I to take that away? I only wish spending money made me so happy.
I hope everyone on my Friends list is happy, and enjoying the sunshine :-) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|12:56 pm] |
I've been running every day for over a week and mentally I feel like a new person. If i'd known that aleviating depression was this simple I never would have stopped exercising!
But I've since been hit with the flu of all time, and I'm sick as a dog and can't keep anything down due to an apparent alergic reaction to the Amoxil anti-biotics I was perscribed. Blah!
Anyway, just saying hello and letting y'all know i'm still here xo |
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| 12 dollars an hour... |
[Jan. 15th, 2009|11:03 am] |
I'm exhausted today. In every possible way, and all I want is to eat enormous amounts of food and lounge around in bed.
Ms Hell-bitch a.k.a Visual Merchandiser is coming in today to order me around and tell me where to put insanely heavy Maniquins only to decide they don't look "quite right" and tell me to move them again.
All this has to be done of course whilst wearing heels, a skirt and makeup. God forbid I look like shit whilst feeling like it.
Yes, she is greek. And blonde, and loud and bossy and plays zorba music at 5000 decibles, whilst talking to her friend Effie on her mobile almost as loudly.
On Saturday no less than 45 mins before my shift ended (and i'd been up for 36 hours) she came waltzing in without any notice and decided "we" were going to pull the entire store apart and re vamp.
Fucking *TWITCH*
So I was sweating away in the windows battling spider webs and 18 years worth of dust while she watched.
And as per usual I smiled and did whatever she asked and hoped she would drop dead instantaneously.
I thought retail was meant to be better than hospitality and sales!
So tonight I plan to get royally fucked up with keli and do some angsty artwork in protest of the world. |
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| This will teach me to work near the bank of Cyprus |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|11:46 am] |
...So the girls who make coffee next door are greek princess' with solarium tans who work at Daddy's business a couple hours a week, make shit coffee, and mostly gossip and fight.
This morning I stumbled into the back room to smoke and put makeup on sleepy half closed eyes when I see that the back window is smashed.Well; re-smashed. We had taped it up awhile ago.
I Check the money in the "safe" (cardboard box) and all seems to be in order. Then a shoe comes flying through the hole in the window and a swearing greek man starts to swear in helf greek half english.
Seriously- are these people for real? Fucking hilarious.
I am keeping the shoe for my troubles! Maybe they will throw the other one through tomorrow morning.
I have learnt however, that If i wear knee high boots one of the greek brothers gives me free coffee refills.
Usually I wouldn't be pleased about the shallowness of males, but all's fair in love and caffine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|04:54 pm] |
Seriously- this heat can go back to the firey depths of hell from which it came. My work has no aircon, not even a crappy fan AND I have to have all the lights on despite my feeble greenie protests, AND I can't even have a toilet break from 10am until 6pm.
In other news, I'm officially an anti-social grandma who has been going to bed at 8pm nights. These new tricyclic anti-depressants are evil and make me like the living dead. My poor girlfriend has had to peel me off the couch a few times and shove me into bed.
I feel boring, and hot, and can't be fucked with smiling at rich greek ladies who buy 300 dollar dresses, or at the bimbos who yell because they still have their ipods in and assume they're speaking at a normal volume.
My coffee is cold and my diet coke is hot and im pissed at the world!
/rant
I'll be fine once I've been paid though, I'm sure.
I'm so shallow, money makes me happy :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|09:40 pm] |
I actually feel happy tonight.
Not manic. Not synthetically high. Not stoned, or drunk.
How amazing.
Sunday night I was at sarahs with a drunk sarah and keli (can i even *remember* a time when i was the only one not plastered?) And covinced that my only happiness comes in a gram bag. But now, I feel it!
*yay*!
Just had to say that :)
I think I owe this to a conversation with a friend today about unhappy things, but the knowing that people actually do consider me a good enough person to talk to. Also to my wonderful girlfriend who has seen the absoloute worst of me (a few times!) and still there she is at my door most nights, with a smile and gorgeous blue eyes.
Im warm, and fed, and not addicted, to anything or anyone.
And right now, i have the realisation that no one is stopping me from doing anything I want. I always thought i hated this kind of freedom, but i dont. Not anymore.
I can't wait for people to open the presents i bought them! I wish I had the money to give people things every day of every year.
Life is good right now. Still not predictable, or stable, or finite. But good .
Lately ive had an epiphany. That it really matters what I do *most* days. Whether that be what I eat, or how I treat people, or what I do, how much money i make, etc.
Black and white thinking and hating myself for fuckups has been dragging me down for as long as I can remember.
Now, i feel like everything will be okay, most of the time.
And really, that's all anyone can ask for. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|11:42 am] |
Note to self: Have more respect for bar staff in the future and leave enormous tips on big nights.
So Thursday night I get a call from a friend who says "hey- had a thought; would you like to work the bar at Dream tomorrow evening? I know you have suitable attire"
...
Cool, yeah why not, don't have my RSA but how hard can it be?
So 8pm friday night I'm staring at 800+ people with no bar tab but full of reason to celebrate, and by 4am having choked down half a ciggarette , three vodkas and copius amounts of Red bull I finally realise both hands are bleeding from opening bottles, I have blisters on my ankles that look like i've been playing bondage games with cheap rope and I want to scream.
Never again. Unless it's for more than ten dollars an hour.
To any of you who have done bar work- you are my new heros.
But on the upside, have stayed (just) under the 500 dollar mark for christmas presents, and have wrapped everything with pretty shiny curly ribbon.
I fucking love christmas, seriously. Even pushing through the swarms of children and mothers in Chadstone shopping Centre makes me smile, and watching the centre couches strewn with the bodies of discarded boyfriends, dads, and hudsbands who couldn't keep up.
Best christmas pressie score would have to be stumbling upon a store in carlton that sold american candy imports.
Butterfingers, Peanut butter cups, Cherry 7up. half a kilo of cherry jellybeans (yes perhaps I went a tad crazy but Nay I know you understand this!)
I spend most of the year trying to avoid my family, but at christmas spending money on them, on things that i know they love just makes me all warm and fuzzy and stuffs :D |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2008|04:56 pm] |
Whoa..
Much angst is afoot! (is afoot a word?)
ironically enough, I am evil in that I will use said angst and said fights for my own little endeavours of self discovery.
Just please everyone promise me if I ever start bitching about things (as I frequently do)...tell me to get over myself? (Which some have and it has snapped me out of my self-indulgent pity party of one) Thankyou.
Sometimes I am EVER so glad that my friends have no tact and arent afraid to tell me how it is.
back to catching up on LJ entries of you all my pretties. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|07:24 pm] |
Heh..
The bimbo of jen strikes again.
Have somehow managed to lock myself out of my email... so if I dont reply to any don't stress!
God i'm dumb sometimes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|09:57 pm] |
Feeling a little stressed/lost.
My appologies to all I havent been able to catch up with... this course is full-on, to the power of ten.
Being single is odd, but the only time I actually notice it is when the madness of the day calms, and I lay in bed wishing I had that little bag of green drowsiness thumb-screwed into a cone...
Blah.
In other news, am possibly on a netball team, and am starting my volunteer program soon. Nothing like cramming even more into an already hectic day huh?
Like money, my concept of time and its' restrictions is not exactly my most intelligent trait.
Keep dreaming about rodents and meth pipes.
Weird/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|09:57 pm] |
Feeling a little stressed/lost.
My appologies to all I havent been able to catch up with... this course is full-on, to the power of ten.
Being single is odd, but the only time I actually notice it is when the madness of the day calms, and I lay in bed wishing I had that little bag of green drowsiness thumb-screwed into a cone...
Blah.
In other news, am possibly on a netball team, and am starting my volunteer program soon. Nothing like cramming even more into an already hectic day huh?
Like money, my concept of time and its' restrictions is not exactly my most intelligent trait.
Keep dreaming about rodents and meth pipes.
Weird/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2008|10:47 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Kate Bush- Running up that hill | ] |
So many things are different now.
I try not to think about *you* very much, not because I don't want to, but because it hurts.
Lately every emotion has seemed a negative, a painful one. So I keep myself busy with people and stimulation and experiences...
The crash will come, I'm sure. I saw a glimpse of said *crash* recently and it wasnt pretty by any stretch.
In other news, my course is freaking AWESOME. I miss my friends alot, but making new ones all with their own quirks has been a fabulous distraction. My teachers are great, insightfl creative people...
Yet still I feel the emptiness at night.
Have been seeking comfort in solitude and sitting on Flinders street steps talking to starngers/taking pictures/sketching.
So, I'm okay. I really am.
Thinking of you all daily, just not saying much. |
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| -Shaun looks hot in my PVC- |
[Jul. 5th, 2008|09:26 am] |
How do I manage to fuck up so fabulously? It's an uncharted talent of mine that has surfaced again recently. Oh yes.
Zanth darling- need to talk to you. You may already know what about.
My new mantra is "think before you act/speak jen" for god's sake. And if drunk, avoid topics except about the weather. Yes.
But on a lighter note, yay for seeing Artemisia and Ariel tonight for foodage :)
And can someone enlighten me as I'm very ditzy lately (more-so than usually Natalya!) is Chains on this weekend?
xoxo |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|08:34 pm] |
For zee masses (whom i love)!
Just letting you know, I am alive, well (as well as a self-confessed crazy person can be :P) etc etc.
I *do* have net access but my choice of computers is either a) the mothers macintosh to which I say a big WTF?! to. or b) the nerdlings over-bearingly high tech loud colourful, flourescently lighted mainframe PC in which I feel I am at the cockpit of the starship enterprise.
Heh.
As of tomorrow until Sunday I will be staying at Zanthia and the shaunlings until Sunday to feed the resident feline and laze about watching dvds. Such a hard life it is.
Have organised to see toi tuesday night for dinner (thankyou my lovely) and Kimmykins and MJ tues during the day. But Apart from that, feel free to sms me and i'll jump on a train for socialness :)
My TAFE course doesnt start until next month, so if anyone needs any help with anything (apart from sanity) give me a yell and I shall be happy to oblige.
Erin.. hope the move went well! Bec- I miss ya, Nay- goodluck with work, Natalya- thankyou for kind words via msn, Rach- I miss you too, and Jez- hopefully see you at next chains xoxo
Stell, Hayley, sarah- drinking night raincheck debt to be paid off asap. :)
And steve in yonder tower- soon! *nods* |
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| Sunday bloody sunday |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|03:18 pm] |
Wow.. my life is everywhere. Half my pocessions are now in Malvern, Troy had to sit there and force me to keep packing as I had a few mini emotional spastics.
As soon as I'm all moved into parents again, I need to do a major phisical and emotional detox. Oh yes.
I have the need to sit alone, for hours and just greive. May sound self-indulgent but I need to cry ad cry, and just get my head around the fact I really *am* alone now. Alone in the sense that I need to look after me, and no one else. This in itself scares me beyond reccognition...
Jen has no idea what she will do with herself. Until school starts anyway.
In other less angsty news, I have many fabulous people to catch up with.
And velvet_darknessand queenofphantoms ... I have your stuff you left at Eilish's :) [ two pillows, some jewelry, and a black dress + butterfly broach.] Will be organising drop-off/stay for coffee-ness with you guys later this week. Cept- sorry Zanth, the notorious bra is still lost *lol* The Shaunious can't be blamed this time :P
toipet I'll seeya friday 4pm Spencer street :) And.. Shall I bring my copy of "my fair lady"? HAHA oh and some bottles of wine. *yes* Red or white? My dad keeps giving me more alcohol than I know what to do with...He discovered Ebay!
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| Wednesday |
[Jun. 6th, 2008|04:52 pm] |
Strange, was just reading velitu's post and thinking I have that exact same need for alone-ness right now. Life is all in chaos and im between two residence's and feel so unorganised and off balance.
Trying to hold up D emotionally and not knowing what the hell to do except make sure he takes meds, eats, and run him hot baths. I *hate* feeling this helpless. I *hate* not being able to cheer him up, all the while knowing I'm the cause of His depression.
I have the urge to run away, whether phisically or mentally or both and just... think. Wrap myself up in layers of me and cry or laugh or just *expell* emotion. I want to have a full on fist fight with someone, purely for the release of tension. There are times I wish I was male and could just have a fight, then sit down and have a drink together.
Incidently, my big move is this weekend, hence why I'm not going to Chains (*hugs* kimmy) But once all my crap is (somewhat) sorted I'll be back. Cant keep jen away!
A few of you know the depths of my current situation, and thankyou so much for the unwavering support... It means so very very much.
People rock. My friends rock. Even when life is so very fucked up, there they are. Like angels.
In the words of Gary Numan- "I dont like the scenery, I dont like the set, but I like the actors" :) |
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